Courageous Conversations ◦ Relationships
Stream of Consciousness 02.
Victoria Miller. She/Her. 22. Canadian. Raised by a mother who is Italian with a firecracker personality and a father who is Jamaican and cool as a cucumber. Artistic affinity for tap dance, baking, and cooking. Milton. Canada.
There exists a pressure for young girls to find a partner as soon as they can. This pressure – seen in family life, TV shows, movies, commercials, magazines, posters, Facebook, Instagram, the popular crowd at school – creates a narrative that girls should be with someone to achieve wholeness. It says to impressionable minds that once you find someone who wants to date you, then you have achieved something BIG and you should feel the greatest happiness from it! It goes on and on through childhood to teen years to young adulthood… act quick or you will be alone forever… make sure you have a date to the prom… wait, you’re not on Tinder?! This pressure was definitely real for me for many years. So, for most of my life I constantly searched for a boyfriend. It is not until recently, at 22 years old, that I began to realize how heavy the pressure sat on my psyche and affected my sense of self.
More specifically, it wasn’t until I found myself in a relationship that was not serving my best interests, coupled with an addiction to weed, an apathy toward studying something that did not suit my interests, and a constant lack of energy or zest for life that I once had. Much of my day to day actions were for the sole purpose of coping with a deeper sadness. I barely knew who I truly was because I wasn’t living according to her. Yet, I was at this critical moment in my life - approaching graduation and entering “adult life”. I kept asking, “How am I to grow into who I want to be if I am not even living as my authentic self?”
So, I ended my relationship with my first love after three years together. I chose to leave a situation that was no longer serving my best interest nor his. I made this decision out of love – love for myself and my future, and love for him and his future. There was no other way to continue our relationship that would create the same potential for growth toward our best interests – believe me, I tried. This was the hardest decision of my life. It took so much will, strength, and COURAGE. A loud, screaming voice in my head kept telling me to stop this, to go back to him, to make the pain go away. But, a calmer, more steady voice was also telling me what I needed to do. I knew deep down that this was the best decision for me.
They say that our twenties are the golden years of our lives. It is the first time ever where we can to take the reins and go, not having to answer to anyone else. This time is a blessing, an opportunity to learn, fail, reflect, and grow. As Meg Jay, author of The Defining Decade states: “80% of life’s most defining decisions are made by age 35. In this time, we are the sculptors of our days, molding the clay of our persona without someone before it hardens.”
Sounds freeing, right? Limitless? Exciting? It absolutely is! But it also comes with great responsibility. That responsibility, first and foremost, is to ourselves. Why? Because the odds of you being alive in the very moment is basically zero. But hey! You were chosen to be here. That’s why you owe yourself your best shot. As the decision makers of our lives, we are responsible for making the most informed choices in the interest of our best selves. If these decisions are made from a place of abundance and love, then they align with our purpose of that moment. If these decisions are made from a place of lack-of- fear, avoidance, complacency, doubt, or loneliness – we will just perpetuate these feelings into the next day, month, and stage of our lives.
So, we have two real truths to consider. Number 1: Young adulthood is a critical time in our lives to discover, in the right way, who we are and what makes us happy. Number 2: You have been told during most of your formative years that you should find a partner and stay with them to be a winner…one of these things is not like the other! So, how do you handle these conflicting principles to find your true happiness?
From what I have learned, the answer is self-love.
Self-love as a double layered principle. First, you must know your own worth so you can freely give to yourself constructive habits, thoughts, and principles that fill your soul and align you with your purpose. This investment in yourself propels you, builds you up, and raises your vibration.
Your worthiness of love is innate in your existence
This is the foundation upon which the second layer can build, which is knowing your value relative to those around you. Once you understand the value you hold within, you recognize your value and your responsibility to share it. This motivates you towards even more growth and love, almost creating a self-sustaining cycle of love between yourself and the people and things around you. When your cup is full, it can then overflow onto others, which can then overflow back to you.
What does this look like? Self-love is not all face masks, fuzzy socks, and warm baths. While all of these are nice, self-love is more about inner work than outer comfort. Complaining, whining, criticizing, and blaming yourself are also easy ways to put yourself down and deny the truth of your worthiness for this type of love. Those are the easy ways out.
The hard, true way to self-love includes accepting yourself for all that you are in that moment, and understanding that you and your circumstances couldn’t be any other way because they aren’t. It’s accepting your past, thanking it for getting you here, and letting it go. Then, you look inward.
Self-love looking inward is brutal honesty with yourself. It is scrutiny of your behaviours and motivations and taking accountability to do better. It’s accepting hard truths and letting go of past mistakes. Its waking up every day and taking responsibility for your little habits, your self talk, your gratitude. Its intentionally denying yourself of short-term pleasures for the sake of higher good you cannot yet experience. It’s asking for help when you are in need.
It’s discipline, seeking, reflection, humility, patience, and courage.
And sometimes, it takes breaking your own damn heart to begin.
Then, it’s about having faith in yourself and your own individual process. It is accepting your shortcomings along with celebrating your victories. It is affirming that your efforts will manifest and transform you. It’s feeling relief knowing that you are raising your vibration to a place you deserve.
You will feel it. This process is not linear. There will be moments of joy and moments of emptiness. But, in some moments, you will feel the love you are giving yourself and receiving it knowing that this is what you are meant to feel – a life full of abundant love and happiness.
