Reclaiming Identity
Stream of Consciousness 03.
Lucy Pelletier. She/Her. 24. Caucasian. Creative Writer. Songwriter. Kitchener, Canada.
Written during isolation in Kitchener, ON. following a break-up in Newfoundland a few days before recollection.
The world that we knew, the careers we manifested and dreamed about, the people that made us feel connected and alive.
When those lives have been stripped away - who are we without them?
Through this battle of covid, the community I had immersed myself in had crumbled apart. Like a city made of clay, I watched all that I knew turn back into grains of sand, waiting to be rebuilt. Through the mourning, self-pity, and days spent in bed with nothing but a digital box of endless scrolling, I had a eureka moment.
Although it wasn’t one that made a light bulb go off. It more took the light I had and put a dimmer switch on in order to ease me into the moment. In the stale room I laid, with books I had promised myself I’d read and clothes hung up collecting dust just waiting to get a taste of night light once again, I realized that our identity had become focused too heavily on our surroundings. The dark feeling that had been consuming our communities for almost a year was born from a virus yes- but the loneliness and disconnect goes deeper than that. It is this realization that we have been stripped down. No more rebellious nights, new experiences, hanging out on a blanket in the middle of Trinity Bellwoods, 12 hour days on sets that allow us to go home feeling satisfied with our day.
We have been stripped, and underneath there is still a body, a brain, a beating heart and a vessel that absorbs life in order to be life.
So here I laid. In my stale bed with all these revelations running through me like a curse of wisdom but in the most beautiful and awakening way. Yet, all I wanted to do was cry. Not for any particular emotion, I had just felt so amazingly overwhelmed that here I was, alone and unsure, and I had just given myself a piece of deeper understanding to who I am all on my own. There was a romantic overtone to it all; to know I have had my heart broken by what has happened to my world, and-
allowed myself to uncover my deeper connection to why I feel what I feel and it was a beautiful moment.
There is a lot of disconnect right now between people. What makes them happy, and pressure of inspiration to be/create. I am understanding and relearning the balance between having our surroundings be a part of our reactions, but not have them as the sole proprietor of our purpose.
We are having to relearn who we are at the core before surroundings come into play.
A painter can’t know that they love to paint only because they’ve held colour. It has to come from a yearning- a desire to make the picture. They have to fall in love with it before they hold the paint in their hands.
I found myself feeling darker than usual and I realized how easy it is to feel lonely or lost when our routines and familial comforts are taken from us. But being able to have-
the silence or the slowing down of surroundings should serve as a platform to rebuild and reconnect who you are and what makes you happy.
Also, Sometimes what makes us happy isn’t even the same anymore- but it’s what we’re used to and we condition ourselves to feel happy in certain scenarios because we felt that way before. With that, I felt a form of guilt for not wanting the same things. Is there something wrong with me? Why have I changed? Why can’t I be happy with something I know used to serve me? All of these thoughts bounced around in my head leaving me feeling guilty in the disconnection I was in.
But the thought started to settle and bloom into another romantic self discovery.
When you have the silence and time to sit with your thoughts, aspirations or current dreams or fears, you can truly understand self growth. There is strength in being able to re-check-in with what you have surrounded your life with, without the guilt of letting certain people or goals go. They might not be relevant for who we are or what we want now.
My identity was wrapped up in a relationship, compared goals, and pressure to become too fast.
This year I stopped being a student, I stopped having opportunities easily handed to me to create, I lost the ability to connect with people that I felt inspired by or comforted with. It turned into a self-made ticking time bomb where I felt pressure to have everything I make be meaningful or approved by others. The world is falling apart and we have all this “time” so if I can’t make something meaningful now- when would I ever be able to accomplish it.
I am having to re-learn patience with creativity and making things first and foremost for me. If the reason I create is to get approval from an external force- then that goal no longer serves me.
I felt guilt with not putting in energy to my creative outlets and that I was letting myself down by feeling tired or uninspired. What I didn’t know then is I was actually turning myself off from any creative outlet from the pedestal I put it on. I tied it to my relationships, my purpose, and my identity.
There is courage in being still and peeling back the layers. What is it that you want now, in this moment. Not what you want so it can give you some glory down the road. We cannot live in the future. We know it is the one thing we cannot predict.
I am having to re-learn my courage with being on my own without external relationships helping curate my emotions. And within the uncertainty and constant search of self, I am turning my self-fulfilling prophecy into a positive term.
